[3] Ballroom Dancing

I have an on-again, off-again love for ballroom dancing.

There are some days when I can't imagine living without it: I count out the beat to every song I hear on the radio and choreograph a mini-routine. I pull out my dancing shoes, and, if nobody's home, dance around the kitchen and practice. I check the schedule for the nearby studio to see when the next cha-cha class is (my favorite <3). I count down the days until my next ballroom class. I dream about competing in front of judges and a crowd.

And then there are days where I want nothing to do with dancing. Even my boyfriend (who's also my dance partner, a combo that works surprisingly well) can't talk me into busting a move. I'll ignore that group class schedule I printed out just the day before. The radio is just music and any imagined choreography falls flat. Classes I do attend on one of these days are uninteresting. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm trespassing on sacred dancing ground with two left feet and no motivation to dance.


Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of my feelings, like something or someone else out there is telling me to hate dancing some days when I have absolutely no reason to. It's like a cloud hanging over my head, a thick fog I can't shake off, a dark, empty whirlpool I can't escape. Everything is confusing and mixed up. I feel like a walking contradiction, like that song by P!nk called "Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)." (Which, if you're interested in listening to...)

Maybe I'm just a crazy person. Or maybe I'm channeling my some leftover teenage angst. Whatever it is, non mi piace [I don't like it].

[2] Motivation and Passion: An Inverse Relationship

At least in my life, this undoubtedly holds true: motivation and passion have an inverse relationship. The more passionate I am about something, the less motivation I have regarding my goals in that area. The less passionate I feel, the more motivated I am.

Illogical? Absolutely. True? Completely.

Let's talk case studies.

[Ejemplo 1!] School. I have little passion for schoolwork. Writing yet another 5 page assignment is not the highlight of my afternoon. I don't particularly like attending lectures or going to class, either. Yet I turn in every assignment on time and I've only missed one college class in three years. Funny story, actually: I tried to go to class despite the fact that I was visibly ill. The professor took one look at me and threw me out of class. If that's not motivated, I don't know what is.

[Ejemplo 2!] Tennis. As a high schooler, I was played a lot tennis. And I'm not talking weekend warrior kind of playing. I'm talking more like should've-been-institutionalized kind of obsessed! I took lessons twice a week, played daily against a wall, played on my high school team and in tournaments, watched professional matches and Youtube videos, and read books. I even had a workout and diet planned out. Yet, after a while, my motivation to work out and eat right and read all those books and practice waned. I was still passionate about tennis, no doubt - but I lost my motivation and can-do attitude after a year or so.

I could list 10,000 more examples. My piano days and my writing were both subject to this paradox: I was passionate about them, but I never had the motivation to actually achieve something. I never really tried to become a concert pianist, though I often envisioned myself playing beautiful music for people. I never put in real effort to craft a short story or novel worthy of being published, though I had some ideas with potential.

The problem is that I always give up when the going gets tough. I'm gung-ho in the beginning. After a  year or so, though, the novelty and excitement wear off, and the real work begins. That's when I discover that this goal isn't as easy as I thought, and I become disheartened. As I get more and more discouraged, my motivation wanes, and then I start making excuses: "I don't have to write today. I worked all day at my job, so I earned a break." One excuse turns into two, and suddenly I have a whole pack of them and no progress is being made. It's a downward spiral; it's a cycle I've been through a thousand times.

I've spent a lot of time (especially recently) trying to break out of this. It's all about the baby steps. Lately, though, I've found another problem: I've got some motivation. I've got a rewards/punishment system in place to help motivate me when things get rough (i.e. I'll play piano for 2 hours a day. If I succeed, I'll reward myself with something, like an hour of Internet time or going to my favorite restaurant. If I fail, I'll prohibit myself from my rewards). This time around, I can't find anything I'm passionate about! What's a girl to do? :/

[1] Intro!

Welcome to Stars and Soldiers! :)

This is more of a personal blog than one I plan on reaching out to other people with, but if you're reading this, welcome nonetheless! The plan right now is to organize my thoughts on (virtual) paper in an easy-to-access and organized format. I love writing and while physical journaling helps me, doesn't everyone want to be published (even a little)? Even if it's just a self-published, private blog, it's real publishing to me. <3

For more information on who I am, check out my profile!